JINGLE ALL THE WAY
A film review by Steve Rhodes
Copyright 1996 Steve Rhodes
RATING (0 TO ****): **
So what kind of movies can a superstar make? Answer: Whatever kind he likes.
Let me confess. I am a big Arnold Schwarzenegger fan. From his superhero movies (the TERMINATOR series, TRUE LIES, and ERASER) to his comedies (TWINS), he brings a unique presence to his roles. His shows are bursting with energy, and there is rarely a dull moment. Even in the films of his of which that I have not been fond, JUNIOR comes to mind, he is interesting nevertheless.
So it is with JINGLE ALL THE WAY. This is a horribly flawed film, being needlessly mean-spirited, but it does have Arnold, and he is fun to watch in it. Nevertheless, I need to warn parents upfront that there are many messages in the film of which you may not approve. Most are introduced in a spirit of humor, but young kids may not appreciate the difference.
"Don't forget. Your my number one customer," concludes a harried Howard Langston (Schwarzenegger) on the phone to everyone who calls, even his wife Liz (Rita Wilson). He is a busy man right before Christmas, and he has a bad habit of missing his all the important events in his young son Jamie's (Jake Lloyd) life. This Christmas season all Howard needs to do is pick up a Turboman action figure and go to his kid's karate recital. He waits too late for both of them.
Howard's son explains to him how bad he wants the Turboman. It seems that ALL the kids are getting them this Christmas and "whoever doesn't is going to be a real loser." Those of us with young kids will identify with this toy obsession. Those without will probably think this part of the film is little more than a plot device.
The Langston's next door neighbor is divorced dad Ted Maltin (Phil Hartman) and his son. Ted appears perfect. He not only has the Turboman for his son, he has even bought him a live reindeer, reasoning, "You can never do too much to make a kid's Christmas special." Howard hates his goody-goody attitude. Ted is also the neighborhood's number one lech.
Set in a cold suburban landscape -- a snowy Twin Cities locale, the cold is a metaphor for the film's bleak humor. JINGLE ALL THE WAY has more fistfights and hitting people than any kid's show I have seen in a long, long time. Howard even slugs the poor, defenseless reindeer.
Tagging along with Howard is Sinbad (FIRST KID) playing psychotic postal worker Myron Larabee. When Howard first meets Myron in a line of anxious wannabe owners of Turbomen, Myron explains to him about the toy manufactures. It seems, "They use subliminal messages to suck kids' minds out."
After many more struggles and wrestling matches in stores that turn out to be out of his son's Holy Grail, Howard begins to lose it. He starts tearing up store displays in fits of anger.
Success appears in the unlikely person of a mall Santa Claus (James Belushi) and his elf. They promise him a Turbo man for $300, but they turn out to be part of a vast conspiracy of Santa Clauses and elves who have a warehouse full of Turboman knockoffs. Touch these toys, and they fall apart. This leads to the most distasteful fight in the show. Howard tries to punch out scores of Jolly Olde St. Nicks.
While all the misery is unfolding on the screen, the music is playing happy tunes like "I'll be Home for Christmas" to remind you that this is supposed to be a comedy. We all laughed a lot, but I wonder how much of it was nervous laughter. Both Arnold and Sinbad are amusing. The problem is that the reasons for the humor are troubling. Do we really want America laughing over a postman who keeps threatening people with a non-existent bomb? As he says, "I work for the post office so I'm not stable."
Winning in the category for worst advice given in any kid's movie this year is that by Ted's son to Jamie. He counsels him, "Maybe your parents should get a divorce. Did wonders for my dad."
Kids even get to see a young kid (Jamie) drinking whiskey from a bottle. Granted it is in a nightmare sequence, but still.
The show ends very well, and if you stay through all the credits, the movie continues with one last joke.
JINGLE ALL THE WAY is a pathetic film that manages to be entertaining nevertheless, and one whose high energy makes it hard to dislike no matter how much you disagree with its messages. A guilty pleasure for its viewers. For believers of the Hollywood conspiracy to sap the morals of our youth theory, this picture is the one for them. It will seem to vindicate their assertions.
JINGLE ALL THE WAY runs just 1:29. For a movie rated just PG, it stretches the limits with lines including "what the hell" and "you sorry ass." There is no sex or nudity, but the mean time between fights is about three minutes. I liked this show more than I'd care to admit, but I can't recommend any kid's film that is so mean spirited. Jeffrey, age 7 1/2, on the other hand, loves it. He gives it six thumbs up and says it would be fine for kids six and up -- to which I would add, at least. I give the picture a reluctant **.
**** = One of the top few films of this or any year. A must see film. *** = Excellent show. Look for it. ** = Average movie. Kind of enjoyable. * = Poor show. Don't waste your money. 0 = One of the worst films of this or any year. Totally unbearable.
REVIEW WRITTEN ON: November 21, 1996
Opinions expressed are mine and not meant to reflect my employer's.
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