Glimmer Man, The (1996)

reviewed by
The Flying Inkpot

                                THE GLIMMER MAN
                       A film review by Mufti Splenetik
                        Copyright 1997 Flying Inkpot

Written by: Kevin Brodbin
Directed by: John Gray
Produced by: Seagal-Nasso
Cast: Steven Seagal (James Cole), Keenen Ivory Wayans (Jim Campbell).
Runtime: About 92 minutes
Rating : ** out of *****

I am a Steven Seagal fan. I only say this now because "Mufti Splenetik" isn't my real name and because I probably need to explain why I went into this film expecting great things.

Any proud Seagal fan worth his beans will tell you that the Seagal formula is something you can depend on. Seagal films can always be counted on for minimal dialogue, heaps of expendable baddies with extemely crunchable bones (which we'll always hear when Seagal does his limb-twisting thing), rarely a female co-lead in sight (unless it's a real-life model-wife who hasn't worked since WEIRD SCIENCE) and, usually the worst possible titles you can imagine. Not to mention very straightforward plots, generally all-round bad dialogue and Mr Implacable Leather-Face himself in that same black outfit he's been in since NICO doing his "my hands are sharp, nimble knives" thing, Seagal the Stoic, Sir Petrified Ponytail, Duke of Dull.

In THE GLIMMER MAN, Seagal breaks out of this formula: he gets a *sidekick*, attempts to banter, and puts on a new vest. He's also put on quite a lot of weight. Small potatoes, you may say, a man should be able to accessorize and banter if he wants to, but damnit, if it ain't broke, why fix it? (more on this disappointed person's dashed expectations later).

As Jack Cole, Seagal is a homicide detective with a Questionable Past. While he and his partner (played by Keenen Ivory Wayans) are investigating a series of ritual killings, Cole himself becomes a suspect, especially when a background check run by Campbell reveals practically nothing on Cole.

It turns out that Cole is a former trained government assassin (you just can't trust these homicide detectives), someone whom victims used to catch just a glimpse of in the jungle before he pounced on them, and hence, well, you know, that "glimmer man" thing. An increasingly fishy homicide investigation in the present soon leads to the gradual uncovering of a larger, more threatening conspiracy that involves a crooked businessman (Bob Gunton), Cole's former CIA boss (Brian Cox) and deals involving chemical weapons.

THE GLIMMER MAN plot is pretty standard stuff, drawing (as with his other films) elements from the hotter films of the year (eg, SE7EN). It's the other changes that disappoint.

For example, although there's a fair amount of violence in this movie, there's also the disastrous pairing of Seagal with Keenen Ivory Wayans, probably the best known of the Wayans tribe (how many are there, exactly?) from television's "In Living Colour." Wayans plays whiney straightman to Seagal's bead-adorned and brocade-draped Cole, keeping up his "are you crazy" part of the dialogue with wasted zest. As Campbell, Wayans confines himself to bemoaning his new partner's eccentric habits, but the chemistry between the two is minimal, and Seagal's wooden comebacks make for painful watching.

A cook in UNDER SEIGE 2, Seagal is now a Buddhist who speaks Chinese and wears prayer beads and intricate silk jackets over his normal black ensemble. He chants, refuses to fight unless truly provoked and introduces Campbell to powdered deer penis to cure his allergies. Again, a benign (if trite) plot device except for the fact that these new character traits require Seagal to speak more than usual. Heck, he has to deliver punchlines and carry a steady conversation with someone other than himself for a large part of the film. Is that a lot to ask of the Seague? Too much.

Seagal's best characteristic used to be that he knew his purpose in this already complicated world of movies: to crunchily snap off bad guy appendages, and to do it silently, and alone. Not for Seagal, the snappy one-liners of Arnold and Stallone, nor the attempts to show that he can act, much less think. No KINDERGARTEN COP, no OSCAR, just simple, unadulterated deathblows. That's really how it must have started: like-minded fans who knew what they wanted streamed in to watch The Seague do his thing, knowing that never in the Seagal universe would they ever have to see him do anything else. We trusted him. We got to know him. Now, betrayal.

I don't know if I can watch another Seagal movie without that little niggling doubt that he's going to try to be funny again. I'll try, but it won't be easy. If you haven't watched THE GLIMMER MAN yet, you might want to wait for the video to come out. It's easier to just fast forward the dialogue parts and linger on the action sequences. After all, if we can't depend on our fantasies, what can we depend on?

The Flying Inkpot Rating System: * Wait for the TV2 broadcast. ** A little creaky, but still better than staying at home with Gotcha! *** Pretty good, bring a friend. **** Amazing, potent stuff. ***** Perfection. See it twice.