EVITA
A film review by Christopher Null
Copyright 1997 Christopher Null
Now I understand why Argentineans wanted Madonna to go home during the filming of EVITA!
What the fuss is all about, I have no idea, because EVITA is just another bad movie starring one of our worst actresses, Madonna. The catch is, this time she gets to sing sing sing for 2 1/2 hours -- sing until she can sing no more -- sing until your ears bleed.
EVITA has had a long and sordid past as a motion picture project, and it's easy to see why. The fact that EVITA makes a mockery of Argentina's most beloved personage *and* the filmmakers wanted to shoot there is almost beside the point. There's the problem that movie musicals have tended to be huge flops over the last 40 years; the problem of Madonna's inability to act; the problem that Eva Peron was basically an egomaniac that died 40 years ago and that no one in America really cares about anymore. And when co-screenwriter Oliver Stone gets involved... yikes! They might as well have made a musical called OSWALD!
But they didn't. Instead, EVITA rumbles through the plot points in Eva Peron's life like a freight train. From stargazing child to slutty gold-digger to talentless actress to the wife of the President, it's no wonder why Madonna fought so hard for this part -- it's straight out of her life (except for the President part... so far)! No acting required! *And* she gets to sing the whole time!
And what's with all this singing, anyway? Yes, I know it's from Andrew Lloyd Webber (who, after seeing "Cats," I believe is seriously disturbed), and as a traditional musical, EVITA might have had a prayer. But electric guitars and synthesizers? Discordant, headache-inducing chants? A capella, sing-song dialogue between characters? Sheesh, EVITA is more like THE WHO'S TOMMY than SINGIN' IN THE RAIN. (It's no surprise that director Alan Parker also created PINK FLOYD'S THE WALL.) I half-expected Madonna to start rolling around in baked beans a la Ann-Margret!
No such luck. Instead we have to listen to the likes of Antonio Banderas's singing narrator, which sounds a lot like he has his cajones in a vise. Or the very British Jonathan Pryce as Juan Peron (!), singing about how he ran the British out of Argentina. The hilarity of these two performing is *almost* as much fun as the real treat of EVITA: trying to see how many ways Madonna can cover up her blossoming pregnancy. How many arms, hats, and flower bouquets can she hold across her waist? A lot.
In all fairness, Banderas is a diamond in the rough here, in a part of comic relief that is desperately needed among the Very Serious performances. Also, a few of the songs are tolerable, even memorable, even if they rarely make sense. But, in the end, I have to pan EVITA, if for no other reason than it's just plain goofy. And some parting words for Madonna, in a lyrical fashion she may be able to finally understand:
I saw your movie/
Now keep your distance.
RATING: **
|------------------------------|
\ ***** Perfection \
\ **** Good, memorable film \
\ *** Average, hits and misses \
\ ** Sub-par on many levels \
\ * Unquestionably awful \
|------------------------------|
-Christopher Null / null@filmcritic.com / Writer-Producer -Visit the Movie Emporium at http://www.filmcritic.com -and Null Set Productions at http://www.filmcritic.com/nullset.htm
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