THE BEAUTICIAN AND THE BEAST
A film review by James Berardinelli
Copyright 1997 James Berardinelli
RATING (0 TO 10): 2.5 Alternative Scale: * out of ****
United States, 1997 U.S. Release Date: 2/7/97 (wide) Running Length: 1:43 MPAA Classification: PG (Sexual innuendo) Theatrical Aspect Ratio: 1.85:1
Cast: Fran Drescher, Timothy Dalton, Ian McNeice, Patrick Malahide, Lisa Jakub, Adam Lavorgna, Heather DeLoach, Michael Lerner, Phyllis Newman Director: Ken Kwapis Producers: Howard W. Koch Jr., Todd Graff Screenplay: Todd Graff Cinematography: Peter Lyons Collister Music: Cliff Eidelman U.S. Distributor: Paramount Pictures
THE BEAUTICIAN AND THE BEAST is one of those movies that tries so hard to be cute and romantic that it becomes sickeningly offensive. While the film probably holds some limited appeal for undemanding pre- teen girls, that's about the most positive thing I have to say about it. There's little evidence of originality, inventiveness, or freshness in this trite production. Even if you accept that it's intended to be a song-less satire (rather than a rip-off) of THE SOUND OF MUSIC, it still comes across as flat.
The story attempts to cram as many cliches as possible into an abysmal package. Fran Drescher plays Joy Miller, a Queens beautician who is mistaken for a top-flight teacher by an emissary (Ian McNeice) from a tiny Eastern European country. Faster than you can say "Karamazov", she has accepted a $40,000 job to tutor the local dictator's children. She crosses the Atlantic and meets her four new charges: two teenagers (Lisa Jakub, Adam Lavorgna), one pre-teen (Heather DeLoach), and one toddler. Then there's the Stalin-like dictator himself, Boris Pochenko (Timothy Dalton), who spends his time muttering nasty things like this about running his country: "It's not all making war and smashing dissidents." So Joy sets out to smooth Boris' rough edges, improve his relationship with his kids, and make him a kinder, gentler beast. In the process, of course, she falls in love.
Being forced to listen to Fran Drescher's New Yawk accent for more than ninety minutes is enough to drive anyone to distraction, so, in an apparent attempt to camouflage how bad she sounds, the film makers decided to give all their actors horrible accents. Since the bulk of the film takes place in Slovetzia, a fictional former Soviet country, everyone has adopted an "appropriate" accent. Of course, they all speak English, even though there's a throwaway reference to that not being the native language. It seems that even the poor, downtrodden peasants have mastered this second language.
Generally, I enjoy romantic comedies, even when they're hopelessly mired in formulas. However, for a movie of this sort to work its particular brand of magic, it has to possess intelligence or appeal, neither of which characterizes THE BEAUTICIAN AND THE BEAST. At the outset, with a brief, clever animated sequence, the film seems to want to be different, but it isn't long before it has settled into a painfully bad rut. Todd Graff's script is television-quality writing at its worst, and the direction by Ken Kwapis, who made the better DUNSTON CHECKS IN (who would have ever thought I might use the word "better" to describe that film?), does justice to the screenplay's pedestrian nature.
As a vehicle for Fran Drescher, THE BEAUTICIAN AND THE BEAST fails to highlight her supposedly luminous personality. Her Joy is consistently abrasive, although I suppose that's supposed to be part of Drescher's dubious "charm." Timothy Dalton is out of place and looks it. Right now, he must be wondering what Pierce Brosnan has that he doesn't. Lisa Jakub (who bears a striking resemblance to a young Irene Jacob), last seen as a virtual walk-on in INDEPENDENCE DAY, gets the thankless role of the daughter-in-love-with-a-rebel. Ian McNeice is the comic foil and Patrick Malahide is the dictator's evil Prime Minister.
There are ways to get through the film, such as analyzing continuity errors (watch the moving foam on McNeice's face and clothing after he gets sprayed), checking how often the various actors' accents slip, and wondering how much Blockbuster Video paid for an outrageous product placement. Somehow, however, I don't imagine that's how the film makers envisioned us spending the movie's running length. Unfortunately, it's about the only reasonable alternative to getting up and walking out.
- James Berardinelli e-mail: berardin@bc.cybernex.net ReelViews web site: http://www.cybernex.net/~berardin
The review above was posted to the
rec.arts.movies.reviews newsgroup (de.rec.film.kritiken for German reviews).
The Internet Movie Database accepts no responsibility for the contents of the
review and has no editorial control. Unless stated otherwise, the copyright
belongs to the author.
Please direct comments/criticisms of the review to relevant newsgroups.
Broken URLs inthe reviews are the responsibility of the author.
The formatting of the review is likely to differ from the original due
to ASCII to HTML conversion.
Related links: index of all rec.arts.movies.reviews reviews