THE BEAUTICIAN AND THE BEAST
A film review by Steve Rhodes
Copyright 1997 Steve Rhodes
RATING (0 TO ****): ** 1/2
"You could be such a pleasant person if you had a tiny edit button," says Slovetzian President Boris Pochenko to his children's new teacher Joy Miller. You see, Fran Drescher plays Joy Miller, and Drescher drones on forever with her nasal voice. If you haven't heard her before, think of someone grating their fingers across a blackboard. Even with her harsh good looks and tacky clothes, she still manages to win our hearts with her incessant cheerfulness. Drescher's straight man is Timothy Dalton as the President who has been called "Stalin without the charm."
As THE BEAUTICIAN AND THE BEAST opens, Joy Miller is teaching her night school class in beauty culture. She tells her attentive cosmetology students that their motto is: "flashy, not trashy." One of the more delicious parts of the film lies in the selection of costumes. Designer Barbara Tfank's outfits are a panoply of contrastingly bad color choices. There are courses to teach people how to chose their proper colors. Joy and her relatives and friends seem to have failed the course. Typical is Joy's outfit of tight lavender stretch pants with a lime green sweater top and matching headband.
Through a mix-up, Joy comes to teach President Pochenko's children at his palace in Slovetzia. ("So tell me," asks Joy, "What can you get for a place like this? I mean in this neighborhood.") After being egged in the presidential limousine and seeing the frowns on all of the citizens' brows, she asks Prime Minister Kleist (Patrick Malahide) what causes everyone's disquiet. "In Slovetzia, hard work today, happiness tomorrow," he sternly explains.
After a disgusting breakfast of the local delicacy of blood sausage and clotted cream, she starts her task of enlightening the President's children. Just like the Von Trapp family kids in THE SOUND OF MUSIC, the Pochenko children are a large and mixed group of ages and emotions.
Possessing little acquaintance with academic subjects, Joy sticks to what she knows. She teaches the kids geography and math by calculating frequent flyer miles. Her science lesson includes coloring shoes to match the handbag. Literature consists of having the kids watch a WEST SIDE STORY tape to make Shakespeare more accessible. Always watching out for their well-being, she cautions them as they go outside, "put on your sun block because it's rays today; raisins tomorrow."
In this comical fairy tale, she will fall in love with the prince. Okay, he is a president, but he lives in a palace and doesn't seem eager to schedule any elections. She makes friends with his subjects and gets him to lighten up a bit and meet the peasants. The two best scenes in the show involve the people of the country. In one, Joy sneaks out on the presidential balcony and raises her arms, Eva Peron style, to the yelling masses huddled below. In the other, as the strains of the Communist anthem "The Internationale" plays, the President goes into a gray factory lit by the sparks of a welding torch. He will liberate these and other oppressed workers of his country to the consternation of his Prime Minister.
Most of the film is a sweet little picture. There is a unnecessary subplot about the eldest of the President's girls being in love with a revolutionary who wants to overthrow her father. Whenever this part takes center stage, the show bogs down. It does, however, engender one of the story's funnier lines. "In our country we can marry who we want," explains Joy. "I decided on John Kennedy Jr., and while he's in denial, I'll travel."
The film goes on ten to fifteen minutes past its natural ending point. Writers should know when to quit. Still, I left with a nice grin. Not a memorable show, but at least a funny diversion.
THE BEAUTICIAN AND THE BEAST runs too long at 1:58. It is rated PG for some mild language. It would be acceptable for kids of any age, but I suspect they will need to be nine or so to understand most of the humor. I give it thumbs up and ** 1/2.
**** = A must see film. *** = Excellent show. Look for it. ** = Average movie. Kind of enjoyable. * = Poor show. Don't waste your money. 0 = Totally and painfully unbearable picture.
REVIEW WRITTEN ON: March 22, 1997
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