MCHALE'S NAVY
A film review by James Berardinelli
Copyright 1997 James Berardinelli
RATING (0 TO 10): 2.0 Alternative Scale: * out of ****
United States, 1997 U.S. Release Date: 4/18/97 (wide) Running Length: 1:48 MPAA Classification: PG (Mild language, double entendres, violence) Theatrical Aspect Ratio: 1.85:1
Cast: Tom Arnold, Tim Curry, David Alan Grier, Debra Messing, Ernest Borgnine, Dean Stockwell, Bruce Campbell, Tommy Chong Director: Bryan Spicer Producers: Bill Sheinberg, Jonathan Sheinberg, and Sid Sheinberg Screenplay: Peter Crabbe Cinematography: Buzz Feitshans IV Music: Dennis McCarthy U.S. Distributor: Universal Pictures
Following the travesty that was 1996's ill-fated attempt to update SGT. BILKO, I was prepared to state that I couldn't imagine a worse TV retread. However, what my mind could not conceive, Hollywood has produced. In fact, MCHALE'S NAVY isn't just worse -- it's fifteen minutes longer, which means that not only do viewers have to defend against yet another assault of truly uninspired content, but they have to endure fifteen percent more of it.
One of the central questions about MCHALE'S NAVY is why anyone would want to make a movie out of this particular '60s show. I suppose it was mildly diverting in its first incarnation, but of all the TV programs to resurrect, this wouldn't be near the top of most peoples' lists. Lt. Commander Quinton McHale isn't the kind of figure people recall with great fondness when looking back on old sit-coms. And, considering how poorly THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES and SGT. BILKO performed at the box office, one could be forgiven for assuming that Hollywood has gotten the message that America's passion for nostalgia only goes so far.
MCHALE'S NAVY, as realized by director Bryan Spicer and screenwriter Peter Crabbe, is suitable only for movie-goers who have undergone frontal lobotomies. The dearth of intelligence makes this film as painful to sit through as any of 1997's other worst offenders, and I wonder why more people didn't walk out of the screening I attended. Had I not been reviewing the film, I would have headed for the exit about a half hour into the movie.
Bellowing at the top of his voice in the vain hope that no one will notice that he can't act, Tom Arnold portrays McHale with all the delicacy of the proverbial bull in a china shop. McHale is supposed to be likable, but, the way Arnold plays him, everyone in the audience is praying that someone will shoot him, drown him, or do something to him that would be unacceptable in a PG-rated movie.
McHale is retired from the Navy these days and is spending his time as a smuggler, layabout, and little league coach. His old crew, a bunch of unshaven slobs, lazy bums, and dimwits, suddenly find themselves under the heel of a new boss, Captain Wallace Binghampton (Dean Stockwell, sounding suspiciously like Bugs Bunny), who arrives at the Caribbean base with every intention of cleaning things up. Alongside him is his no-nonsense aide, Lt. Penelope Carpenter (Debra Messing), who is both pretty and pretty uninteresting.
Meanwhile, trouble is brewing on the small island paradise. The second most dangerous terrorist in the world, Major Vladikov (Tim Curry, slipping further back towards the campy muck from which his career was born), arrives with the intention of throwing the world into chaos, making a lot of money for himself, and evening an old score with McHale. When Washington learns of Vladikov's presence, a top Navy Admiral (Ernest Borgnine, the original TV Quinton McHale) orders Binghampton to get McHale back into the service, regardless of the cost. From that point on, it's all by the book as McHale re-enlists, reunites his crew, and goes to war with Vladikov.
MCHALE'S NAVY wouldn't be so bad if it was remotely funny, but, by the last reel, I was so starved for amusement that I was considering sneaking into a showing of LIAR LIAR next door. This is inept film making. Even fans of the TV show, once their curiosity has worn off about how the new group of actors play their old favorites, won't find much to appreciate about a motion picture that needs to fill the screen with pyrotechnics to camouflage the lack of material. MCHALE'S NAVY deserves to be sunk so deeply that no one will ever think of dredging it up again.
- James Berardinelli e-mail: berardin@bc.cybernex.net ReelViews web site: http://www.cybernex.net/~berardin
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