ANACONDA
A film review by Rydain
Copyright 1997 Rydain
Hey everybody!
Please don't mind this windbag letting off a bit of steam...I just want to warn all of y'all not to waste your hard-earned $$$ on Anaconda. It's not even worth a 99-cent video rental. Don't listen to Ebert on this one (he has no clue what he's talking about!) BTW I accompanied my friend to this one because she was *required* to watch it on assignment (she reviews movies for a local paper). Now I'll actually back up my huffing and puffing. Here goes:
Movie: Anaconda Rydain's Rating out of Four Stars: 1/2* Bottom Line: Wait for it to come on USA Up All Night. Even then, I doubt it's worth the price of Jolt (to help you stay up that late!)
Why do I hate Anaconda? Let me count the ways...
First of all, this movie gets way too many snake facts wrong. As an ophiophile (snake lover), I can tell you that a) anacondas would never reach a length of 40 feet, b) they're scared of people, c) cases of snakes eating adult humans are extremely rare because human shoulders are too wide to fit in a snake's mouth, and constrictor snakes don't kill what they can't eat, d) people can outrun snakes with no trouble, especially heavy ones like anacondas, e) if an anaconda did eat a human, it would need at least 6 months of sitting on its butt to digest the huge meal, therefore it couldn't run around gobbling up everybody else in the cast, and f) snakes have no vocal cords, so they can't make funny squealing noises. Whew.
I was prepared to suspend reality if the movie would have been worth it. Unfortunately, Anaconda was about as suspenseful and exciting as watching paint peel. My friend and I even successfully predicted who would live at the end. Anybody can tell the bad guy is going to die eventually. That was a pity because his character was one of the few reasons my friend and I didn't give up and fall asleep. He was the most likable character in the movie. Who wouldn't enjoy somebody who looks like a deranged Walt Whitman?
Anaconda did have its cute moments: arguments between Ice Cube's character and the British guy, for instance. However, those small flashes of wit were not worth the other hour and twenty-eight minutes of boring schlock. The writers had - and blew - a multitude of opportunities to insert funny lines. I was quite disappointed with a scene where a young guy tells a young lady that the jungle makes him horny. Did she retort with a clever, ego-withering comeback? Of course not! "I'm trying to work!" Gee, that's even dumber than the crap comebacks I come up with. She could have told him to go find a knothole or something... ;P But I will admit, there was just one scene where I was surprised at the outcome (hint: it involves the evil guy and Miss Crap Comebacks).
As for the plot, I'm still trying to find one. This movie was basically an excuse to get a boatload of people into dangerous territory where they could get snarfed by ridiculous, computer-generated anacondas with the eyes and fangs of vipers and the faster-than-gravity downward acceleration of a Harrier jet. (Harrier snake?) Not to mention instant digestion so they could go snarf countless other victims. The writers tried to throw in some sort of plot twist (should I call it a plot knot because it made no sense?) in which the sick guy's g-friend kisses the evil dude and suddenly everybody hates said evil dude and starts trying to kill him. That was about as clear and understandable as Mission: Impossible. (If someone could explain THAT movie to me, I'd be most grateful! All the old-guy double agents looked the same!!)
I wasn't inspired by the acting, save for the evil dude. I can't blame the actors, though. It's not their fault they had a cruddy script to work with.
This concludes Rydain's diatribe on a shameless exploitation (and perpetuation!) of public fear of snakes. Comments, flames, anyone?
-Rydain the Atomic Cheese, fresh from Chernobyl Dairies!
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