VOLCANO
A film review by Phil Brady
Copyright 1997 Phil Brady
Tommy Lee Jones may have noted on his script: VOLCANO - The Paycheck. While he performs admirably, this is a paint-by-numbers thriller conceived by innumerates. The volcano starts as lava incursions into the sewer system, with a talent for entirely withdrawing below after it strikes. Easy for Bruce the Shark, but a neat trick for molten rock. A scientist appears so that she go unheeded; in this case, its Ellen's recently-outted friend, Ann Heche. Self-appointed gay-spotters will have no trouble seeing her true nature, but the more balanced among us will see a fair portrayal of a concerned human, with no time to get near anybody's bed. Actually, Tommy, as the head of disaster control does believe her, but he can't get any municipal services to heed his pleas. This sort of drama was explored fully in Quincy, years ago.
So..when the caldera does poke its head up at the La Brea Tar Pits, it politely sends its lava down Wilshire Blvd. They overturn one bus ON Wilshire to steer the flow, but I never saw what kept the lava from hanging a left at any intersection. You no doubt saw the trailer, where they build a barricade to stop the flow, but where does all the still-coming lava go to? To harden the lava at the end, fire trucks and helicopters pour all their water on the leading edge. A totally preposterous sight - dozens of helicopters flying twenty feet apart - all dropping water from tanks installed with one hour's notice.
It get stupider. Now the volcano conveniently issues just one more tendril of lava - thru the subway system. With 30-min notice, engineers blow up a long, fifty-foot deep channel at the end of the subway, and divert the flow to this trench by demolishing a new, unopened, $100 million-plus building. This building was shown in the opening scenes, presented as ominously as those red-uniformed young security officers beaming down to the planet with Kirk. Well, this sends the remaining lava into the rain channels, toward the sea. It's Miller time. This volcano just can't take a punch.
There are a couple incredibly amateurish "Can't we all get along?" scenes. The lava stream was always linear, and nobody near the lava seemed to feel the infrared heat that would have overwhelmed them before the lava got to them. Also one-dimensional were the standard set of imperiled youngsters, pets that always survive, and noble rescuers. One stupid example of this involves one of those hard-headed municipal bosses; this one has to atone for not shutting down the subway. He goes back in the subway train to rescue the driver, but when he returns to the back of the train, the lava has creeped several feet beyong the train. He jumps INTO the lava, tossing the driver (who may already be finished) clear of the lava. Personally, knowing we both couldn't make it, I woulda chucked the now-doomed driver into the lava, and leaped over it, using him as a steppingstone. Call me harsh for this clearer thinking, but don't say I'm harsh on this film.
P.S. If you never think about anything, or question anything, You'll love this movie.
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