BATMAN AND ROBIN
A film review by Chuck Dowling
Copyright 1997 Chuck Dowling
Batman and Robin (1997) 1/2 out of ***** - Cast: Arnold Schwarzenegger, George Clooney, Chris O'Donnell, Uma Thurman, Alicia Silverstone, Elle Macpherson, John Glover, Michael Gough, Pat Hingle, Jeep Swenson, Jesse Ventura, Vendela, Vivica A. Fox, Coolio. Written by: Akiva Goldsman. Directed by: Joel Schumacher. Running Time: 130 minutes.
Ed Wood is alive and working under the name Joel Schumacher! Run for your lives! "Batman and Robin" is the fourth film in a movie series which, in a span of only eight years, has managed to go from good to outstanding to bad to stomach churning retartedness.
As the "film" begins, Batman and Robin are summoned to battle a new villain, Mr. Freeze, who has broken into a museum and is attempting to steal a big diamond to power his freeze machine (oh so THAT'S what diamonds are good for). The opening scene manages to rival the opening scene of 1996's "Romeo and Juliet" as the most ridiculous movie sequence ever put to film. Anyway, soon they have to battle other villains as well, Poison Ivy (Thurman) and Bane (Swenson).
George Clooney steps into the Batsuit this time and it's now official, Batman has no personality whatsoever. It's not Clooney's fault, he's just going by the script and by Schumacher's (shudder) direction. Batman is known as the Dark Knight, meaning that Batman is supposed to have a dark, brooding personality. Joel Schumacher (vomit) has managed to change all that over the course of two films, as Batman is now a cartoon. He always has a lame pun to spout out or an afterschool special message to deliver.
Speaking of puns, that's all Mr. Freeze has to say. He hardly has one line of dialogue which doesn't involve a pun using any of the words: cool, cold, ice, freeze or chill. After the first two, you're sick of it. But, alas, it continues.
As with "Batman Forever", there are way too many characters. One villain is all that's needed, not three. Bane is the worst of the three, which is surprising because of what little I know of the comic books, Bane was a major force. Here he's just a masked goon, grunting like Frankenstein's monster. And he's also amazingly easy to defeat, as his weakness are these big tubes coming out of his head. Pull one out, and he's dead. If he walks into a coat rack, he's a goner. Poison Ivy is way too talky, and most of the time she's babbling to herself, which is even more irritating.
Gotham City now represents a city which must exist on some other planet other than Earth. The laws of gravity seem to have little effect in this world. Also, it seems that no one really lives in Gotham, except for street criminals, which makes me wonder why in a city protected by Batman would there be the highest crime rate ever in the history of civilization? Batman's not protecting anyone, as there's mass terror constantly going on in the streets. Perhaps it's Joel Schumacher's (gag) views of capital punishment at play here, because in both "Batman Forever" and here, long speeches are given about how it would be wrong to kill the main villain after he's been captured. Instead, to punish them for their crime of attempted mass homicide, villains in Joel Schumacher's (puke) vision of Gotham City get locked up in an asylum, which everyone knows they will break out of in no time to kill more people.
To go into further detail about all the ridiculous aspects of this movie would take a review longer than the written screenplay itself. So I'll just mention the worst of the bunch. Now, when Alicia Silverstone becomes Batgirl, she shows up late in the film to help Batman and Robin defeat Poison Ivy. Now, keep in mind that Silverstone has been living in Wayne Manor and chatting with Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson for the entire film. Also keep in mind that her Batgirl "disguise" wouldn't fool an infant. Anyway, she arrives, cleans house, and then chats with Batman and Robin... who DO NOT RECOGNIZE HER! She actually has to tell them who she is.
But the moment which made me groan the loudest comes at some sort of charity auction where old men are bidding on scantily dressed women on stage. Poison Ivy arrives and puts the audience under some sort of spell. Batman and Robin, who are actually at a party dressed as Batman and Robin, are also captivated by her spell. Soon the audience starts to bid on her, and Batman and Robin join in on the bidding. Batman increases the bid to something like seven million dollars, and then whips out, I kid you not, a Batman credit card, complete with the Batman logo on it as well as "BATMAN" typed out on it. This is absolutely the dumbest thing I have ever seen. Think about this for a moment won't you? What bank honors this card? Did they call Batman to offer him this special card? Only Batman can use this card, so do you think Batman does his own shopping? Perhaps goes to Ace Hardware to pick up some more Batapults and charges them to the Batcard? At that moment it became true, the Batman movie series, which once prided itself from being 180 degrees different in tone and style from the campy 60s TV show, is now just as good as the WORST episodes of that TV series.
I do give the film credit for two things. One is the casting of Arnold Schwarzenegger as a villain, but I only give credit to the concept, not the actual performance. Also, as with "Batman Forever", the film looks great. It looks like every penny of the budget was spent on the look of the film. The set design, costumes, and special effects are all top-notch.
I'm all for a silly summer movie. Sometimes I like shutting down most of my brain and just enjoying a fun movie. But to consider "Batman and Robin" to be fun, you'd have to completely tear your brain out of your head and throw it away, never to be used again. Please someone stop Joel Schumacher before he vomits into a film cannister again and tries to pass it off as a movie. [PG-13]
-- Chuck Dowling Visit Chuck's Movie Reviews at http://users.southeast.net/~chuckd21/ Over 1,600 movies rated and/or reviewed! Movie news, film related links, and reader's reviews.
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