BATMAN AND ROBIN
A film review by Hanson Yoo
Copyright 1997 Hanson Yoo
This is the worst movie I've seen since the "so bad I walked out on it" "Jingle All The Way". It is crap on toast made of crap baked in a an oven fueled by crap. It is crap through and through.
Nothing works in this film, as to be expected from Joel Schumacher, who has made only one watchable film in his entire career (that being "Cousins"). Here's a man who admits he's a medicore director, a rather charmingly self-effacing statement. But truth be told, he is much worse than mediocre.
Not all scorn should be heaped on Schumacher though -- Akiva Goldsman should not be allowed to write ever again. There is no plot anywhere, and the "dialogue" is unrelentingly shallow, preposterous, and boring. They set up Mr. Freeze as a tragic figure trying to cure his cryogenically frozen wife, then completely sabotage his character by giving him the lamest one-liners. It turns him into a stock maniacal villain who thoroughly enjoys his villainy instead of a brooding scientist who has spent much of his life to bringing his wife from the brink of death. But that's par for course -- nothing in this film makes any sense, including half of Arnold Schwarzenegger's lines. As Mr. Freeze, Arnold is given way too much dialogue to spit out at once. This is the same problem he had in "Jingle All the Way", and it seems that his Austrian accent is getting thicker and more unintelligible as the days pass. Personally, I think that he has more pull with the directors and doesn't retake scenes to make him understandable. Compare his dialogue in the Terminator series to the load of nonsense that streams forth in "Batman & Robin". Apparently, James Cameron knows how to get a competent performance out of Arnold.
Uma Thurman is not as bad, but nothing resembling good either. Her Poison Ivy vamps around terribly, chewing up scenery left and right. And her Pamela Isley scenes are marred by sub-SNL standard "acting", as if she's reading off cue cards and is about to laugh at any given moment. Given the "script", it's a wonder it didn't happen more frequently.
There is no redeeming feature in this film -- not George Clooney as Batman, Chris O'Donnell as Robin, nor Alicia Silverstone as Batgirl. Michael Gough is eerily sickly looking as Alfred, as if the conceit of his illness was prompted by his cadaverous appearance. In fact, there was something unsettling about his appearance, which seems to have been accomplished without any make-up tricks, looking as if it were scenes from a documentary about a dying man. Unfortunately, every scene about Alfred's sickness is bungled with such incompetence that there is absolutely no emotional resonance -- they just go through the motions, losing whatever impact the scenes were supposed to impart.
The movie is rife with poorly choreographed fights scenes that never give any sense of a big battle -- you know there's a bunch of people, but instead of a melee, Schumacher decided to focus on a foot or a fist. There's never a moment of awe, wonder, or mayhem. The only interesting part of the battles scenes are the freezing effects, which are impressive (and probably expensive). Even then, the fights are so full of camp and stupidity that they become unwatchable. The hockey team from hell? Not even the TV series got that stupid (at least not on the grand scale of stupidity that "Batman & Robin" showcases).
Frustrating too are the various supporting characters that walk on and off with nothing to say or do. Blink, and you'll miss Elle MacPherson as Julie Madison, Vivica Fox as a "why is she even in the film" vamp in Freeze's lair (with all of two lines), and Pat Hingle as the most ineffectual Commissioner Gordan the Batman series ever had. And in what almost seems like an effort to save on costs, Vendela Kirsebom has no lines as Mrs. Fries -- she isn't even filmed well enough to look good (trust me, she's quite attractive outside of this dreck).
And as if the film weren't bad enough to limp along with bad direction, bad dialogue, bad performances, and bad fight scenes, there are inconsistencies and illogic galore. I know it's nit-picky to ask where the hundreds of feet of cable are stored in the batarangs, why the character's arms aren't ripped out of their sockets when they accomplish a one-armed batarang save after falling hundreds of feet (while holding on to another person no less), or where the moisture comes from when Freeze's weapon creates tons if ice. That's all traditional comic book stuff. But why does Batman spring a trap for Freeze at a public charity event that endanger the lives of hundreds of by-standers? Why is there a big switch clearly marked, "Heat" in Mr. Freeze's lair? Why do countless bumbling police officers even try to take on Mr. Freeze hand to hand? Why does Alfred encourage Silverstone to become Batgirl and even go so far as to have a suit made for her? Why do Batman & Robin take 10 minutes to bicker before leaving the Batcave in response to an emergency? And since it established early on that Ivy is using pheromones, why don't they wear masks to filter it out? I could go on and on.
"Batman & Robin" is a braindead, pointless, garish, loud film that should still reign as the "worst film of the year" by the time 1998 rolls along. Note to Warner Bros. -- if you're going to make another Batman film, please replace Schumacher with nearly anyone. Because it could actually get worse than this. What Schumacher does not understand is that "comic book" doesn't automatically equal unbearable idiocy. The true equation seems to be Schumacher + Batman = unbearable idiocy.
Grade: F
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