ANACONDA 1997 A film review by Timothy Voon Copyright 1997 Timothy Voon
Cast: Jennifer Lopez, Ice Cube, Eric Stoltz, Jon Voight, Owen Wilson, Jonathan Hyde, Kari Wuhrer, Vincent Castellanos Director: Luis Llosa Screenplay: Hans Bauer and Jim Cash & Jack Epps Jr.
Anaconda is undoubtedly the most entertaining documentary of the year:
ANACONDA: A SURVIVAL GUIDE FOR THE GIANT SNAKE LOVER:
1. Stay still, very still, look into it's eyes and don't move. Don't even blink. 2. The guaranteed way of not being eaten is to remain comatose for most of the movie; ala get a amazon wasp to bite you on the tongue. 3. Another way of making sure that you survive the longest is to make sure that your name is at the top of the movie credits. 4. Giant statues of snakes swallowing men, are generally a good warning sign that there are Anacondas in the area. 5. Axes are good, but a couple of double barrelled shot guns will do the trick. 6. If you can't shoot the snake, burn it. 7. Snake bait - anything from monkey blood to humans will do nicely. 8. Don't try using a fishing pole or a net, or you'll end up being the bait. 9. The snake spits, so get used to half digested bodies flying at you. 10. And remember the trip ain't worth it if you're only making a documentary on Amazon pygmies.
A BAD RHYME IN MEMORY OF THE SNAKE:
At first there were eight, then there were three, Just when you thought you were safe, here comes Anacondee, It's not the name of a bra, your jocks or undeewear, Hold on tight all the same, the snake has no preference for what you wear.
Sorry for crapping on; but my original review was too short, and I just need a couple more paragraphs here and there to make the break; and I'm plain running out of things to say about this stupid snake. So...
Comment: Skin the snake and make yourself a nice set of jacket, belts and boots.
Timothy Voon e-mail: stirling@netlink.com.au
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