Have you ever taken a shower and watched hair, dandruff, and scuzz accumulate at the drain? Usually you don't even give a thought to it or even try to. Well, how would you like to spend a couple of hours watching a movie focused on pee-pee, dandruff, skin flakes, hair, and blood droplets? That's what you'll get if you waste your money on a piece of garbage known as GATTACA.
This movie is supposed to be about a future where people are manipulated genetically to have high intelligence and peak physical condition. Meanwhile there are still people such as our hero, Vince, who didn't have the advantages of this pre-natal genetic manipulation and ends up with myopia and some heart problems.
In this society there is genetic screening where the genetically advantaged get the best jobs and the others (the "Invalids") such as Vince get stuck doing janitorial duty which is what happens when he becomes part of the cleanup crew at the Gattaca space headquarters. Vince, having higher goals, pays for the use of Jerome's (a crippled"Valid") genetically superior material so he can pass himself off as a Valid and attaining his dream of blasting off to Titan. This is where all that scuzzy stuff that you don't even want to think about comes in.
Vincent scrapes the skin scales off Jerome, borrows his blood and hair, and gets mad when Jerome drinks too much and pollutes his genetically superior pee-pee samples. A long time is spent watching Vincent cleverly planting Jerome's hair and dandruff at his work station to fool those in charge. He also wears a pee-pee bag in case they do spot checking for urine. On top of that he puts Jerome's blood droplets behind fake finger skin in so he can fool those little genetic testing machines that seem to be set up next to every water fountain and escalator. Yes, you will be treated to more loving closeups of pee-pee, dandruff, hair, and blood than you ever thought possible.
As if you didn't have enough of the aforesaid scatalogical items, a murder occurs at the Gattaca headquarters and guess what? The cops come in and there is still more testing of pee-pee, blood, saliva, etc. etc.. All this was set in motion by a stray eyelash hair that Vincent overlooked by mistake (Remember Anita Hill and the pubic hair). So just as you get sick of pee-pee, hair, dandruff, saliva, and blood, we get even more of it in spades. But good news!---Director Andrew Niccol throws vomit into the mix just for a pleasant change of pace. No, they're not genetically testing the puke. It's just that Jerome gets drunk and barfs. Niccol does us the favor of showing the vomit flowing out of Jerome's mouth. Thank you for sharing.
Oh, let's get back to what the space mission is all about. Don't expect to see much of anything about space technology. The Gattaca headquarters much prefers to spend most of its resources on those genetic machines. After all, they can't have one of those nasty "Invalids" infiltrating the scene. Let just one Invalid in, with his ordinary genetic material, and there goes the neighborhood.
There is also something about Uma Thurman's secret in the movie. Actually it wasn't really all that big of a deal. Besides, by this time you're so sick of seeing more pee-pee, dandruff, hair, blood, and spit, that you really don't give a damn one way or another.
Anyway, despite all hurdles our hero, Vincent, gets away with pulling off his scam of substituting Jerome's pee-pee, dandruff, hair, and blood for his own. By this time you will be both bored and grossed out. So what about Vincent's dream of blasting off to Titan? Well, take a guess how much of his time is actually devoted to training for this mission?..... 75%? Nope..... 50%. Still too high.....10%. WRONG! Actually zero time is spent on training for the mission. Instead all Vincent does, when not subtituting pee-pee, dandruff, hair, and blood, is tap away rapidly on a computer keyboard in a room filled with other genetically superior yuppies doing exactly the same thing. Comes the big day and Vince, along with the other genetically superior yuppies, enter the spaceship with no more enthusiasm than taking a coffee break. In fact, if memory serves me right (by this time I was bored to the point of narcolepsy) they just walked into the spaceship wearing coats and ties without even bothering to put on spacesuits.
O.K., I said to myself, time to wake up for the payoff. After sitting for all this time with my senses being dulled by the director's obsession with pee-pee, dandruff, hair, and blood, surely there will be a magnificent sequence of the mission to Titan. Well, here it is in its totality---Vince stares out of the ship's porthole and thinks that he doesn't really care all that much any more about going to Titan. At this point the audience loses all care about Titan and this movie which mercifully ends before we can be treated to yet more pee-pee, hair, dandruff, and blood. The only surprise in the whole flick is that we weren't treated to loving closeup shots of doo-doo.
If you really must see Gattaca then I would recommend that you stare at the scuzz gathered at your shower's drainage pipe and take a leak in a clear plastic cup while playing a sermonette on the radio. You'll have basically the same effect but at least you won't waste your money and a couple of hours of your life.
The only thing GATTACA manages to accomplish is to be the absolute WORST movie of the year. And in a year of horrible flicks that is quite an accomplishment.
PJ's rating: MM (Must Miss).
Reviewd by P.J. Gladnick
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