THE GLIMMER MAN
RATING: no stars (out of ****)
Warner Bros. / 1:32 / 1996 / R (violence, gore, language, Steven Seagal, corpse nudity) Cast: Steven Seagal; Keenan Ivory Wayans; Brian Cox; Bob Gunton; Michelle Johnson; John Jackson; Stephen Tobolowsky Director: John Gray Screenplay: Kevin Brodbin
Steven Seagal's last few movies have actually bore the distinction of being not too bad, with the exception of his 1994 botched directorial debut, "On Deadly Ground." Both "Under Siege" movies were, I suppose, mildly amusing, and his brief turn in last spring's "Executive Decision" was actually -- gasp! -- something of a welcome. (That could be because he was killed off so quickly.) But whoever he's recently pleased will be unhappy now, because "The Glimmer Man," Seagal's latest action flick, is an ugly return to form for the star, a horrid invoking of nearly every cop movie cliche that results in one of the dumbest films of the year.
Seagal plays Jack Cole, a governmental special operative-turned-Buddhist homicide detective. Cole dons prayer beads and silk jackets, chants, speaks Chinese and refuses to engage in combat unless he's goaded -- and because people go to a Steven Seagal movie to see the him mop the floor with assorted baddies, it's a safe bet that he will be provoked plenty of times before "The Glimmer Man" is over.
Cole is on a case to catch the mysterious killer known as "The Family Man" (Stephen Tobolowsky), called thus due to his penchant for murdering Catholic households through crucifixion. He is reluctantly teamed up in his investigation with a partner by the name of Jim Campbell (Keenan Ivory Wayans). It's the first time Seagal is allowed a sidekick, and maybe the last. The faux-comedic banter between the two covers cheap, juvenile territory -- Campbell tries to mask his sad tears as he views "Casablanca" with his new pal. He watches in amazement as Cole dispatches a couple villains with a credit card (don't ask). And as if all this weren't enough, Cole introduces Campbell to a Chinese allergy cure ... which turns out to be powdered deer penis! Oh, please stop, guys! My sides are hurting, I'm laughing so hard!
Still, however lame the buddy-buddy gags are in "The Glimmer Man," the plot is always one step worse. What starts out in shades of "Seven" ends up veering off in a strange direction after Cole becomes the investigation's prime suspect when his ex-wife falls victim to "The Family Man." All of a sudden, the movie's about powerful political figures -- one of whom is Cole's old boss (Brian Cox) -- who are trying to pull off a smuggled chemical weapons deal involving the Russian mob. This, of course, after a ludicrous scene where Seagal claims a nude female corpse on an autopsy table is from said country -- and then cuts open her breast and pulls out the implant to prove so.
By the way, this movie is called "The Glimmer Man" because Seagal's character is allegedly so skilled at sudden death that you only catch a "glimmer" of him before he kills you. Of course, I'm praying the title takes on a double meaning, as "The Glimmer Man" should hopefully run through theaters faster than diahrea.
© 1996 Jamie Peck E-mail: jpeck1@gl.umbc.edu Visit the Reel Deal Online: http://www.gl.umbc.edu/~jpeck1/
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