STARSHIP TROOPERS (1997)
Starring: Computer Generated Bugs And Lots Of 'Em, Plus A Lot Of People You've Never Heard Of And Let's Hope It Stays That Way
Directed by: Paul Verhoeven, Written by: Edward Neumeier, Based on the novel by Robert A. Heinlein
Rated R by the MPAA for gratuitous nudity, gore everywhere, strong language all over the place, and probably a lot of other stuff that didn't need to be in there
Reviewed by: Doug Skiles
Oh, man.
Where do I begin? Okay, how about with this: STARSHIP TROOPERS is one of the worst movies to hit theaters in a long time. In fact, it might even be the worst *major* release film to come out in years... or even a decade. This is bad beyond belief. I would *not* suggest paying money to see this. There's a good chance you'll regret it. If you see it for free, you could still want to walk out. Go right ahead.
The movie starts off with cheesy 90210 scenes set in the future world of... Buenos Aires. Here we meet the group of horrendously bad actors and actresses playing obnoxious, easy-to-*despise*-with-a-passion characters that have love triangles, love rectangles, and love hexagons screwing up their life. Before long they all go off and join the military, primarily in the interest of having sex with the other youngsters that joined. They train. They strut around nude for no reason whatsoever. After an hour of making the audience scream in agony, they start fighting bugs. The big bugs look nice, even though their design is only "okay." Unfortunately, the fights are boring since we *want* all of the characters dead anyway. Cue more agony. Then some characters have sex. Then some more die. ***Who cares???*** Cue more agony. The movie ends, the audience runs out to their cars, vomits over the pavement, and attempts to drive home. Unfortunately, after that torture, they can't think straight, don't pay attention to the road, and many are in ugly car wrecks.
You remember how BATMAN & ROBIN was bad? Well, BATMAN & ROBIN kicked this movie's sorry butt, people. STARSHIP TROOPERS does not succeed as an action movie. It does not succeed as a drama. It does not succeed as a war movie. It does not succeed as a comedy. It does not succeed as a satire. It does not succeed as a parody. It succeeds as being horrible. Terrible. Gut-wrenchingly bad. I wanted to run away from that movie every minute. But I paid my money and I owed it to others to see if the movie got any better. So I stayed. It never got better. Frequently, it did the impossible, and got *worse*.
The movie as written, acted, directed, and basically just feels as a whole like it's about on the mental maturity level of a FREE WILLY 4. The whole thing feels like a movie that only three-year-olds could enjoy... except for the ridiculously gratuitous blood and gore, and pointless nudity. It's written for little children, but children should definitely *not* go anywhere near it. Of course, I recommend the same for everyone. Don't go anywhere near it.
Verhoeven's got a streak going now. His last movie was SHOWGIRLS. He seems to be trying to see how bad his movies can get before people finally stop coming. SHOWGIRLS was a failure, but it appears that, though it'll be lucky to make near its budget, this movie will still do okay gross-wise.
Is it really *all* bad? Well, no. TROOPERS has about four or five lines of dialouge/short humorous scenes that are actually funny, mostly from the "Do you want to know more?" commercials that pop up throughout the story, promoting the joys of the joining the troopers. So that adds up to about 30 seconds of entertainment and still about one hour, 59 minutes, and 30 seconds of miserable torture.
I'm totally confused as to the way that some people are really enjoying this movie. But I do admit it. So, if you're willing to possibly put yourself through torture, go ahead and see it, and decide for yourself if you love it or hate it. I don't know how anyone or any*thing* could love this movie, but hey, to each his own. Feel free to give it a shot. Of course, in the interest of saving your souls, I don't recommend it.
But guess what? ALIEN RESURRECTION comes out November 26th, and, having already seen some of it and having read the script, I assure you that it will blow pretty much everyone away. Though opinion on STARSHIP TROOPERS is reasonably split, it'll be difficult to find someone that *won't* like ALIEN RESURRECTION when they've seen it. This is possibly the year's best intense action film, or at least *one* of the best. If you really want to see alien warfare that's played out intelligently and seriously, see ALIEN RESURRECTION. Please, avoid this.
Rating: F or (no stars)
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